Synaptic misfires

I would mention HOW LONG it has been since my last post, and really, I should even apologize for the lack of content around here, but that would just exacerbate the rumor that I happen to procrastinate things. I don’t know where that could have come from. Really. Who spreads such LIES?! I would never have more than one uncompleted post just lying around, waiting for someone to finish up already and publish. No. Not me. And, if there happened to be unpublished posts, they would DEFINITELY not be sitting around for days and days. Or weeks. Nope. Because that’s just sinful. I promise.

Anyway, moving on to the real subject matter of this post. I can kind of imagine making this a recurring feature here. Can’t you picture it now: “things that make Ashley Callahan sick, nauseous, or vomit”? Pretty catchy, no? No. I didn’t really think so either. And, to be honest, there really isn’t much in this world that could make me vomit. I have such an aversion to throwing up that even if my stomach feels horrid and I WISH I COULD get sick, I just can’t. Because puking has to be the most horrid feeling in the entire world. At least to me. Which has its pluses and minuses. On the up side, I really don’t think I could ever pull off the whole bulimic thing. But I just hope that I never have morning sickness. And if you were wondering, NO I am NOT pregnant. My mood swings are 100% natural.

However, there are two things in this world that if I happen to smell or taste, make my stomach turn completely over: artificial grape flavoring and black liquorice.

When I was a kid, I loved grape flavoring. When offered a lollipop or Popsicle, I would often select grape over all the other flavors. This was pretty convenient for me because many of the things designed to be irrefutably palatable for children are grape. Such as cough medicine.

I can understand why manufacturers developed flavored children’s medicine. Being sick is no fun and taking medicine is no fun–unless it’s candy! I used to be a huge fan of Nick-at-Night and I would stay up late watching all of the old sitcoms, such as I Love Lucy, Leave it to Beaver, and Dick Van Dyke. I seem to recall from these shows that “back in the day” everyone thought that liquid medicine tasted awful. It is likely because people, especially children, hated the taste that flavored, syrupy, candied medicine (Vita Veda Vegemin!) was created. But in the present, most people (or at least me) have never had less than four flavors of anything to choose from. Everything from cough drops to aspirin can taste delicious. Which is probably why, when I was a young and impressionable youth, I decided to chug an entire bottle of grape flavored children’s cough syrup.

I won’t elaborate about the consequences, other than I slept a lot and threw up a lot. Ever since this incident, I have been completely repulsed by grape flavored products. Especially the smell. Bleh. My tummy hurts just thinking about it.

I’m not sure how or when black liquorice started making me feel ill. Perhaps it has some connection to the grape cough medicine fiasco because the worst part about black liquorice is the smell. And the taste. And the texture. OK, everything is disgusting. The weird thing is that I like red liquorice. Or at least I used to.

Before recently, the last time I had eaten red liquorice was when I worked at our local movie theater. On one of my shifts I had been given a rather short break and I was starving. Since I didn’t have time to run across the street to McDonald’s, I bought a bag of red liquorice from the concession stand. And ate the whole bag. Yes, all of it. The tummy ache that I developed shortly afterward was excruciating. That was definitely one of those times when I REALLY, REALLY wanted to throw up. But didn’t. Because that’s nasty. I’ll just leave the other consequence of the digestive process up to your imagination, but it also made me REALLY, REALLY wish I had thrown up.

Apparently, enough time has passed since this incident for me to develop candy amnesia. Because I recently purchased a bag of red liquorice from the grocery store. Which is weird because I really don’t eat a lot of candy. I am also not much of an impulse buyer (at least, until recently. Geeze, what has HAPPENED to me?) but it was right THERE. In the middle of the aisle! And on sale! And I was hungry! And when I got home I stuffed three pieces into my face immediately. And felt sick the rest of the evening. The movie theater incident suddenly came back into my memory and I stuffed the rest of the bag out of sight in the breadbox, hoping that my husband would finish it before my amnesia came back again.

Let’s fast forward a couple of days. For dinner one evening last week we decided to make chili dogs. Before we sat down to eat, I grabbed some bread from the breadbox. This breadbox:

I served a generous portion of chili dogs to both of us and we took a bite of our meal. And as my own chewing slowed I looked across the table to my husband. And saw that we shared identical faces of disgust at the LIQUORICE FLAVORED BREAD that was wrapped around our chili dogs! Apparently, the liquorice that was sharing space with the buns in our breadbox had infused its taste and smell with everything else.

We managed to finish the meal (barely) by getting new, bun-less chili dogs and eating a lot of potato chips. But now I think we both have an aversion to liquorice. And maybe even chili dogs. Perhaps bread, but we’ll have to take it one day at a time now.